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Ways You Can Describe Your -Blank-, But Not Your Girlfriend
-DOG-"What did you just do? What did you just do? Am I gonna have to rub your nose in that?" ~Ryan "Come!" ~Colin "I'm gonna give you a bath and then a nice bone." ~Ryan "Grab the ball! Grab the ball!" ~Wayne "Get off the mailman! Get off the mailman!" ~Ryan -TRUCK-"Why you can fit 4 in there!" ~Greg "Well it's smells good when the truck goes ::ffff::" ~Ryan "Say you are ram tough!" ~Greg -Motorcycle-"Just give it a kick and it starts right up!" ~Ryan "It's small but it makes a hell of a noise." ~Greg "It's okay if you don't mind the bugs in your teeth!" ~Colin "If you push up tight you can get 3 people on it." ~Ryan "Sure you can ride her everyone else has!" ~Greg -Food You Eat-"Sure, Ill have seconds." ~Ryan "Will you look at the mold on that?!" ~Wayne "(mimes eating fruit) Mmmm, my God this is juicy!" ~Greg "No one wants those eggs!" ~Wayne "Care for some more, boss?" ~Ryan Back
What's It Called Drew?
"I would like to take the time and give a movie plug for Ryan, Wayne, and Colin and Brad too. Well they all have a movie coming out. It's a cross between Scary Movie, Coyote Ugly, and X-Men. It's called it's SCARY how UGLY those MEN are!" ~Drew "I would like to take say that Colin has a new show coming out. It's a combination of Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? and Hair. It's called WHERE IN THE WORLD IS my HAIR?" ~Drew "I would like to take the time to say that Ryan has a show coming out, it's a cross between What's happening, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, The Outer Limits and the PJ's. It's called WHAT'S that HANGING OUT of your PJ'S?" ~Drew "I would like to take the time to say that Colin has a show coming out here on ABC. It's a cross between Ripley's Believe it or Not, Step by Step, Gomer Pyle, and The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. It's called BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I STEPPED into a PYLE of POOH." ~Drew "I'd like to point out that Colin has a new show coming out. It's a mixture of "Sex in the City", "Caroline in the City", and "The Price is Right". It's called "I'll have SEX with CAROLINE IN THE CITY if THE PRICE IS RIGHT" ~Drew Back
::all said by Drew::
"Something you'll never see like Pat Buchanan in the White House" "Like a fruit plate at a Rib Joint" "I don't know something that doesn't matter" "Like my treadmill" "Like Chick Movies" "That 20 dollar bill that Tiger Woods finds in his jacket" "Like a wealthy accordion player" "Like pants to a toll booth operator" "Like a bicycle riding fish to a lesbian" "Just like the second person you ever slept with" "Just like union solidarity to a major league umpire" "That's right. The show that Hillary Clinton wants to host next year, even though she's never seen it" "Like what you look like a chat room" "...just like a stripper's name." "...just like Britney's Spears and a microphone." "Like soap in the men's room" "Just like the lottery ticket in your pocket." "Just like the Cleveland Browns." "Just like the Swiss Army." "Just like the buffet at a strip club." "Just like when I say I love you when I'm drunk." "Just like little league" "Just like the plot of a porno movie" "Just like pants to Hugh Heffner" "Just like deodorant to a New York cab driver" "Kinda like Canada" "Just like a bow tie on a Chippendales dancer" "Just like a congressman from Rhode Island" "Just like underwear to Sharon Stone" "Just like the police department in Colombia" "Just like the International in the International House Of Pancakes" "Just like vows at a celebrity wedding" "Just like a surveillance camera the 99 cent store" "Just like TV guide on your wedding night" "Just like opera in Alabama" "Just like my gym bag" "Just like a condom to a trucky" "Just like Jerry Springer's final thought" "Just like a stop sign at three in the morning" "Just like the other guy from Wham" "Just like the host of an Improv show" "Just like the do not disturb sign on your hotel room door" "Just like a hat at an orgy" "Just like the queen of England" "Just like the Brunette from ABBA" "Just like a fully loaded, top of the line Ugo (car)" "Just like last names at closing time" "Just like the first four questions on Millionaire" "Just like a personal check from Willie Nelson" "Just like a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks" "Just like Keith Richards to a vampire" "Just like 4 out of the Jackson 5" "like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles" " (picks up his cup) like what's in this cup! What do you care what I'm drinking?" Back
"Why don't you clean and jerk if you know what I mean" ~Ryan "If you want I could fluff your Garfield if you know what I mean" ~Colin "Sorry I'm late I let the kids out for recess if you know what I mean" ~Ryan "I see that you weren't quite running in your lane if you know what I mean" ~Brad "Did you see that female pole vaulter? I wanna pass her the baton if you know what I mean" ~Brad "I was too busy airing out my shotputs if you know what I mean" ~Colin "I'm gonna go sleep with the boss if you know what I mean" ~Ryan "Nothing better than a 200lb snatch if you know what I mean" ~Brad "That's not gonna make it to air if you know what I mean" ~Ryan "I'm gonna go think outside the box if you know what I mean" ~Colin Back "My God your thighs are big" ~Colin "Where did all the toilet paper go? Where did..." ~Ryan "Who's the slightly feminine one? That's me! That's me!" ~Wayne "Who did it? Who did it?" ~Wayne "Not me, must of been him!" ~Chip "Guilty as charged!" ~Colin "Who dropped the soap? Who dropped the soap? OW!" ~Brad "Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall! the hole in the wall!" ~Ryan "With the wig, you remind me of Julia" ~Colin "I've lost my erection" ~Colin "You seemed real easy and willing to put out so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese!" ~Colin "You're the best I can get" ~Ryan "Come to Florida and Die! Come to Florida and Die!" ~Colin "Whores and gambling! Whores and gambling! That's Nevada!" ~Ryan "Colombia! We're not known just for coffee! Colombia!" ~Colin "Corpses bobbing in the sea! HAHA HAHA HEHEHE" ~Colin "RUSSIA! Our women look like men!" ~Ryan Back
"You make me sick! Now sports" ~Greg as a dominatrix during Weird Newscasters
"...Before I go on and tell you guys about the sports tonight, I just have a little question. Last night we had a little party, and it was great, folks came and everything was nice, but um...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! When I took this job, I took this job because I thought this was a nice descent company. I didn't come here to nobody's booty all over this paper! I come to work, I got the Johnson's account to worry about, I pull it out...OOO CRACK! NO! NO!..." ~Wayne as an outraged secretary destined to figure out who put a Xerox copy of their butt in on her desk during Weird Newscasters.
"I love that. Let's make fun of Native Americans all we want, who gives a *BLEEP* about them???" ~Drew during Scenes From a Hat, still on the Hitler Case.
"Maybe it's cause of this *BLEEP* mask I'm wearing?" ~Greg during Dating Service Video commenting Drew because no one could hear what Greg said.
"Nice Pants" ~Colin during Song Titles desperate to respond to Ryan's "Oh Blue Suede Shoes!"
"Take the points and stick it where the sun don't shine...Seattle, Washington!" ~Drew Carey making fun of Ryan and where he comes from
"Oh, don't even take any points from him, just throw it back in his face" ~Ryan standing up for Colin when Colin was being made fun of by Drew
"You're one tae bo class away from an ass kicking!" ~Wayne during let's make a date
"I'm a bad boy, bad boy..what am I gonna do?" ~Wayne during Party Quirks
"This just in...I'm in love with the weather man!" ~Brad during Weird Newscasters
"Can't you see that me and my invisible bunny wanna get over?" ~Brad
"I'm a think of you every three hours" ~Ryan
"Would it be okay if I took a bath with your toaster?" ~Ryan
"Pull my finger, pull my finger, I dare you!" ~Ryan
"Can I get a price check on the stud in isle four?" ~Ryan
"You may now frisk the bride" ~Ryan
"Do you giggle when you say raginia?" ~Ryan
"We don't even have a football team, but I bet we could beat Cleveland" ~Ryan
"Hello, I'm Fegis Philbin" ~Colin
"You lousy, stupid...yeah that's right!" ~Colin
"Hey doesn't that cloud look like a ducky?" ~Colin
"I taste like butter...but I'm not" ~Colin
"Talk to the paw 'cause the tail don't wanna hear it" ~Greg
"I'm just saying no to rugs!" ~Greg
"This just in... virginity abolished in Southern California" ~Greg
"I haven't had it in four-score and seven years" ~Greg
"I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness" ~Greg
"Insane cow tries to jump moon...dish and spoon still missing" ~Greg
"Two thongs don't make a right!" ~Colin
"Nine out of ten dentists agree that the tenth on should just chill out" ~Colin
"I have impure thoughts about the Teletubbies" ~Colin
"This just in.. Beverly Hills 90210... Cleveland Browns 3" ~Colin
"Happy Birthday! Now blow me out." ~Colin
"I'll take famous Clansmen for 200, please." ~Wayne
"Why don't you give me 15 green M&M's and spank me rump!" ~Wayne
"Maybe by the 3rd date, I can touch your mountain range!" ~Wayne
"Good evening... I'm Sick-Of Survivor" ~Greg
"If I were a planet, how would you probe me?" ~Greg
"These things need fixing, and we hate Richard Nixon" ~Brad
"Happy Birthday, now blow me out" ~Colin
"Why don't you touch your toes and grab my breasts" ~Colin
"Be proud! P.R.O.D. Proud!" ~Colin
"That's so sweet that your helping thin people eat" ~Colin
"Lets get naked and wrestle" ~Colin
"If Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?" ~Colin
"I cut up the rubber raft and made a woman" ~Colin
"Sorry I'm late. I lost my afro" ~Colin
"Its October! I must shower" ~Ryan
"There's nothing like Butt-Toast and Head-Eggs" ~Ryan
"You taste like pork!" ~Ryan
"the question, something so outrageous, and even though it was really really funny, it was also really really weird" ::Goes back:: ::Ryan Kisses Him:: ~Colin during Narrate
"We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon." ~Ryan
"I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982." ~Ryan
"I look like Walt Disney just threw up." ~Ryan
"I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skin diver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States." ~Ryan
"Ladies and gentlemen you'll hear a lot of rumors about stars, how much they make...Drew Carey for instance a lot of people say he made forty-five million dollars last year. After he pays taxes he's lucky if he clears thirty million ladies and gentlemen. A man has to eat! Please, Gary Coleman is a security guard! Send your money now!" ~Ryan
"You're just a chicken, but what the cluck?" ~Ryan
"And don't forget that some of us needed a double wide lens" ~Ryan
"And most of us needed a ZOOM"
"9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of the 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9" ~Colin
"The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand and Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the artists whose relatives sing on this CD!!!"~Colin
"Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?" ~Colin
"Do you know how much it costs to make a 1 size 18 shoe? $319 ladies and gentleman and that's just for 1 shoe people, 1 shoe!" ~Ryan during telethon for basketball players
"No no no, wait its ok, I'm from Canada!" ~Wayne
"Yea its a dead body! I'm in the dying lane!" ~Greg
"So ah, where's the rest of the village people?" ~Colin
"And the lord said, "Let there be light"...Well couldn't that be just a metaphor for the Big Bang...No he just went Click"- Robin Williams
"What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess."-Ryan Stiles
"Look, I know this is our first date, but.....I LOVE YOU! BE WITH ME!!!"-Greg Proops
"Hamsters. What's wrong with you? Get some friends."-Greg Proops
"I think Bachelor number two wasn't held enough as a child."-Brad Sherwood
"Bachelor number three, woo me, woo me, woo me."-Brad Sherwood
Greg: "It is when you smoke as many cigarettes as I do, I get winded doing a crossword puzzle" when a dater on Review said croquet isnt a sport
Wayne: I love Saturday morning cartoons. What do you like to do on a Saturday morning?
Greg: Pray. Until the demon is gone from this child!
"Seriously Ryan, it looks like you stepped in an airplane toilet before you came to work today!" ~ Drew
"If you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them in a blanket and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead."
-Colin
"A thousand points for everybody. Of course, I have to
subtract five hundred points for Ryan because he forgot to kick a photographer."-Drew Carey
Yes, Africa as we know is a pretty big country..-Drew
Its also a pretty big continent too if youre a geographer!-Greg
"That never fails to bring a tear to my stomach lining" ~ Colin
"For far too long you have resisted the pleasures of the peanut butter peppermint cookie! But now that shall end. My reign shall encompass all of the world, and everyone shall enjoy the cookie, and he who does not enjoy the cookie shall have the infernal cookie forced down his throat and I shall earn my merit badge FOR DAMNATION!" ~Wayne
"And then it's gonna get sunny I can feel that in my butt." ~ Ryan
"I never realized what a delicious creamy center I have." ~ Greg
"I'll be your lightning rod of hate." ~ Colin
"Milk Duds." ~ Ryan
"What's your favorite food, bachelor number one?" ~ Wayne
"I like bachelor number 2!"~Brad
What is a tortilla?- WL fan
A cross between a tortoise and a tarantula- Mark Leveson
"It all started with a badly timed bald joke."- Colin
"Because you get to have a little spaghetti and two big meatballs! OH LEE!"-Wayne
"A hundred points for Greg. You should of seen him tapping his toes and swaying back and forth. That was great. Good job, Greg."-Drew Carey
"Bachler #1, I love Holidays! If I was a turkey, what would you stuff me with?"-Greg Proops
Colin: "If you stick that nozzle in me, I'll break your head!"
Greg: "He's going to put that nozzle in you tonight, and every night!"
Ryan: "Next Wednesday, you're getting the nozzle in YOU!"
"Do, do, do, doo! I HAVE NO HAIR!"-Colin Mochrie
Greg: DING! Yes, the waffles ready! We have got to get an iron in this house!
Brad: Yes. This Easy Ass Oven isn't what it's all cracked up to be...
"Alright, the tall guy is racing ahead. You guys better pull up your shorts, I don't know what that means but, go ahead!"-Colin Mochrie
"Remember, if you drink and drive, drive real fast." ~Greg
Colin: bell-bottoms, platform shoes, glitter, afros - but enough about Ryan.
"Hey, to recap the scores, people keeping track at home; Brad: who knows;
Wayne: who cares; Colin: I forgot; Ryan: minus 73." -Drew Carey
Colin: "People Always kid me cause I'm losing all my Hair. I can't really help it that I'm follicly impaired. It really is quite horrible but my life is not through. I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew."
Colin: "Drew Carey makes me hot." Drew: "You know what. I make me hot too. 1,000 points to me!"
Colin: and if you order right now, well send you free, one of Ryan Stiles
shoes; which comfortably seats four.
Wayne: Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
Ryan: And on Thursday night TV you can see Melissas underwear.
Colin: I hope its me with my clothes ON!
Drew: That quacking elephant was like the funniest thing!
Ryan: Blow the door?! Are you out of your mind?! Colin: I meant blow it up! Ryan: Oh!
Its Satan and the school girl. Yeah, Id love to play that with you honey!-Drew
Drew: Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?
Greg: I'm here in the small strife torn Central American country of Gowanda, where the prostitutes are the cheapest I've found.
Drew: They found water on mars, isnt that cool? You know what that means? Just another bottle of four dollar imported water.
Ryan: Im just a weatherman. I wasnt ready to play God today.
Ryan: Colin Id like to ask you one more question, but Im afraid if I open my mouth Ill vomit.
Brad: Kiss me big boy like theres no tomorrow.
Jeff: Frankly dear I dont give a spam.
Drew: Come on its not what your thinking. If it was Id be doing I right now.
Quick, get on Colin!-Ryan Boy if I had a nickel for every time I heard that!-Colin
I met my date at a nightclub, it was really dark, I thought Id take her home..... just for a lark. When I saw her in the lot I ran a mile, becoz she looked...... just like Ryan Stiles.-Drew Carey
Im so ugly Ill never have a lover. When I leave the house all the dogs run for cover. Im big and white and round and my back is really hairy, yes, you
guessed it... my name is Drew Carey.- Ryan A thousand points for Hansel and Gretel wherever you are.- Drew Its time for something other than an egg to get laid around here-Ryan Wayne Brady, passed out, face down on the carpet, dont get much better than that baby!-Drew Your breath smells good, you must use Laforest-Wayne Do I look like a donkey lover to you?-Drew I sentence you to check my briefs.-Colin Theres nothing I find sexier than a big strong maintenance man-Wayne No, you do not look fat in your leaf!-Ryan I do murals with my own feces-Colin This tastes like a painting by Colin Mochrie!-Wayne Heavy machinery works best when youre drowsy-Colin Hey! If youre at home watching this with your girlfriend, why dont you call your wife in and ask her to tune in too-Drew Back
"Hurt You!!" ~Wayne
"Don't Shoot 'til you see the whites!" ~Ryan
"Give me liberty...Or a brand muffin!" ~Colin
"Get my brown pants!" ~Colin
"Every last one of us will defend the Alamo, Correct? (looks around) What the hell??" ~Wayne
"The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming!" ~Colin
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